The Dementia Triangle

Last I posted, I spoke about the “phoney” dementia.  For dad, this time went on for quite some time.  But eventually the “good” times came to a close, and dad would begin to get lost while driving.  I found myself guiding him home more than once or twice. (by phone, which ain’t easy!) This begins the difficult part of the disease.

I have known a lot of people in my time, but I have rarely known a more stubborn and independent family than the Wootens, yes, that includes me.  Dad’s talk with me at the time of his diagnosis still rings clear in my mind.  “Let me live and have fun while I can and stay at home as long as possible”.  These were my marching orders, and honestly, I took them as a quest.  I am an inventive guy, I think outside the box, surely, I can find a way for dad to remain independent and at home until this disease has him in a state that he won’t know where he is.  Little did I know at the time, this was an impossible quest.

As dad was now getting lost often, I started to bring up the idea of letting me do all the driving.  To be honest, at this point driving with him was terrifying…possibly a good idea for a Six Flags ride.  Dad had come up with the idea that traffic rules did not apply to him, sadly this was a carryover from his life when he was in good health, so you can only imagine what comes when he is certain of the fact that police no longer limit our speeds.  Dad quickly refused my play for his keys, and not in so polite of terms.  By this time my family was demanding I take his keys, and though I could not disagree, how?

I came up with a bold plan.  I would take his car for an oil change, and while I had the car, and he was at home, I would install a “kill” switch.  Starter disconnects are used for anti-theft but are quite handy for dementia patients.  I got it installed, and I had a handy remote switch that would disable his car.

I thought myself brilliant, but dad was not to be denied transportation.  After a few times of him going out to the garage and finding a disabled car, and subsequently calling me with complaints of the same, he decided to take action, he called a tow truck.  He was going to tow it to a dealership and get himself a new BMW.  By God’s providence I happen to be coming over just about at this time and managed to click my remote and show him that his car worked fine, which got him more than a little angry.  We called off the tow truck.

Because of this, I knew my brilliance was not so brilliant, and my little remote had been defeated.  About a month went by with me scheming and plotting for my next move, but then came a crisis.  March 2020.

Yes, COVID befell us all. By now dad only watched the news, it was his comfort zone. It was driving me mad.  Every day I came for lunch and dinner, every day I got dosed with more frightful news than I wanted to see.  But then came something I was not expecting, dad became very afraid of the virus.  I still wonder how in his brain, that could not usually find his way home, all the while kept track of daily over-the-top reporting on mankind’s coming demise, but he did.  This opened an unexpected door.  I was able to convince him to not go out.  After the shops and restaurants shut down, dad, even in his diminished capacity, saw the folly of going out, nothing was open.  Dad never drove again.  Oh, I had to leave his car in the garage, I called it the “pacifier.”  He would look out the garage door, see his car, and all was well.  Before too long I confiscated all the keys, and that was the end of the threat.

For some reading this blog, I know this is a disappointment. I have given no keen insight or hacks into taking the keys away when it comes time; I used a natural disaster.  My only advice is to keep your eyes open and look for opportunity, you never know how and when it will come.  On the bright side, it only took about a month and dad did not want to drive, he somehow knew he had lost that ability.  So even if you must just take the keys away, the anger will only last for a time.